expert Tracey Cox reveals how you might be going wrong between the sheets – and the long list of mistakes he could be making
Men (quite rightly) assume there’s a long (long) list of what they do wrong in bed with women, mainly because our sexual systems are more complicated than his.
But don’t assume this means we can do no wrong.
Indeed, men hate it when women are too noisy when they’re in earshot of others, scratch his back and are too self conscious about your body.
Here are ten things that consistently top his hate list…
SUGGESTING YOU WATCH PORN TOGETHER… THEN HATING HIS REACTION TO IT…
Most men watch porn on a reasonably regular basis – and most women know it.
Lots of women think, OK, I’m going to embrace this rather than get all funny about it, and suggest you watch it together.
What they don’t count on is playing second fiddle (ahem) to the person/people on screen.
Most men keep their eyes glued to the screen and it’s highly likely he’ll do the same even if you’re there with him.
‘I was also taken aback by how aroused he got,’ said one woman after trying it. ‘He didn’t ever get that turned on with me and it left me feeling sexually insecure.’
Lots of couples enjoy watching erotica together.
If you’re going to try it, don’t take it as an insult if he gets super turned on doing it with you and don’t take it personally if his attention remains fixed elsewhere.
It’s habit, not a personal rejection.
BEING TOO NOISY WHEN OTHERS CAN HEAR
A bit of moaning and groaning is fantastic but screaming and thrashing about like he’s trying to suffocate you with a pillow is more than a little scary for men.
Not to mention embarrassing.
You think he’ll like you being noisy because it means he’s a stud.
He’s dying at the prospect of having to face his flatmates/parents/kids/neighbours.
Close on the heels of being too noisy is being too noisy, too soon.
Over-exaggerated moans and groans when you’ve only just started kissing makes him one hundred per cent certain you’ll fake it later.
LYING BACK AND TAKING IT
As in adopting the ‘dead starfish’ position and not moving a muscle.
Lying back and thinking of England isn’t just uninspiring, it’s patronising.
It insinuates that simply allowing him have sex with you is enough of a turn on for him.
It isn’t. No-one’s that hot.
GOING TO THE LOO JUST BEFORE SEX AND NOT WASHING AFTERWARDS
This was the pet hate of my best male friend and his (now ex) girlfriend.
‘Me giving her oral sex was the basis of nearly every sex session we had but she’d think nothing of going for a pee just before, with the door open, and not washing either her hands or her bits.
‘I found it gross.’
SCRATCHING HIS BACK
In films, scratching your fingernails down his back to show how excited you are looks damn sexy.
In reality, it just hurts – and comes across as more than a tad overdramatic.
BEING TOO SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT YOUR BODY
Covering, up, only doing it with the lights off, not letting him look and admire you – none of these behaviours will score you any points at all with any man (or woman if you’re gay or bisexual!)
Yes, we all have our insecurities and ‘fat days’ but if you’re a few months in and he still hasn’t actually seen you naked, you’re taking things way too far.
Body insecurities don’t just impact on his visual enjoyment, they often mean you won’t try certain positions and are generally unadventurous in bed.
Women are way, way, way more critical about their bodies than their partners are of them.
If he says he finds your body beautiful, he does. Take the compliment and relax.
ONLY LIKING THE MISSIONARY POSITION
Women favour missionary for many reasons – some good (it’s primitive and there’s lots of eye contact), some not so good (it’s the position that hides most of your body and requires the least effort from us).
It’s hard enough keeping desire high when you’re making love to one person for the rest of your life, but impossible when you’re forced to do the same thing every single session.
TELLING HIM WHEN TO ORGASM
You won’t win with this one.
Begging him to hold off just makes him even more paranoid he’ll ejaculate pre-maturely; the resulting anxiety ensures he will.
You’re much better off letting him climax and then settling in for round two or getting your orgasm through oral sex.
Telling him to orgasm now sounds like a turn on but is often interpreted (correctly) to mean ‘Could you hurry up and finish?’.
ONLY DRESSING UP WHEN YOU GO OUT
OK, so this isn’t something we do during the act of sex but it definitely rates as unsexy behaviour for most men.
‘My wife comes home from work in heels and pencil skirts and looks hot and sexy. But the minute she’s through the door, off go the heels and on comes the tracksuit.’
This is a complaint I hear often from men who lose desire for their partner long-term.
I’m not suggesting you watch a box set in an LBD, but men are visual creatures and really do appreciate it if you make an effort to look appealing.
(This goes for both sexes, by the way. Just one word for men: socks. Four more words: never a good look.)
AGREEING TO HAVE SEX THEN ACTING LIKE YOU’VE DONE HIM A HUGE FAVOUR
Sex is supposed to be mutually pleasurable: if it isn’t, then tell him what you need more of or want done differently so it is enjoyable for you.
‘Seriously, it was like I owed her after we’d had sex,’ one man told me.
‘She might as well have put out her hand for my credit card and made it an honest transaction.’